I want to find myself in those joyful moments of happy beginnings. When nothing is dull, everything is exciting. When nothing is depleted, everything is fulfilling. Nothing is exhausting; everything goes effortlessly. Nothing makes you feel anxious; everything is soothing. Nothing is draining; everything is healing and giving you confidence. When nothing is uncertain, everything is real.
When you feel that light happiness is swinging you, bringing you up and above the reality and you drown into it and it feels good. It’s delightful and sweet, homey and innocent, blissful and breezy. You feel happy. You feel yourself, and you are yourself. Thanks to that someone special, you experience joy enabling you and setting you free.
But now it’s all dark, harrowing and gloomy; I am down. Feels like muddle is all around me, and there is only a grey sky above me covered with clouds. Feels like it’s about to start pouring, it ’s about to happen at any time. Once the rain starts, often the thunder joins, and with the lightning, it shakes you up. Then the sun comes out for a bit, and you seem lighter. But too soon the clouds are back. Everything starts all over again. Only the sun comes out less and less till eventually it’s gone. And then the night comes. It’s a time when you don’t see the colour of the sky anymore because it’s dark anyway.
Those are the sleepless nights. First, they are not common, but the grey, cloudy days are there increasingly more regularly till it becomes an accurate weather forecast on a day-to-day basis. Every moment becomes disarray of darkness and daytime, and sleepless nights are a part of it. To put yourself to sleep, you take a drink, a joint, a pill… Would something help? You don’t even know what do you need help from, seems like everything is just mashed in those rainy, grey days, and everything is dull, and nothing is exciting, and everything is tasteless, and nothing matters. Suddenly you realise that those sleepless nights are always there, that this is your reality now, that those restless nights come after days where there is no sun, where there is no sunshine throughout the entire day. It’s just grey and cloudy. Are the days even there? It feels like its night all the time now. You realise that there has been no rain for some time now. It was re-freshening because the soil would get this rejuvenating smell, and it would make you feel lighter. Nevermind the grey clouds; it was alleviating. But the rain is gone now. It’s merely grey and dull. There are no shapes of clouds anymore, it’s just grey grey grey and dry dry dry, you feel that everything has dried out and that is just a plain desert in the darkness. That’s where you find yourself.
In the endless-loop
How did I get here?
How come everything is so dry and gloomy?
How do I get back?
I need to find the way back to NORMAL. Not above, up the reality, not where it’s incredibly light and delightful just because somebody made me feel that way. No, not there, that’s a dangerous drug. A very addictive, fatal drug. A heroine to my emotions, to my mental stability. I need to find the way back, where are smells, savours and colours, where nothing is tasteless, where some days are better than others, but nothing goes from one extreme to another. There is no pendulum of emotions, but they exist: you feel, you laugh, you cry, you sing, you pray, you dance, you regret, you smile, you LIVE.
And then, once everything starts feeling like being back to normal, I need to fall in love again but this time with someone that will never leave me. With someone who, if only I wanted, could become my closest, my dearest, my best friend forever. The one that fully understands me and has the same goal – to make me happy. The one whose purpose is to be happy and that being together with me is the condition for this happiness to flourish.
Do you know who that is? You!
You need to fall in love with yourself for once and always and become truly devoted to making yourself happy. You know yourself the best, sincerely the best with no explanations needed, without spending time telling all the stories, summaries of what happened yesterday and a year ago, compressing everything in short versions of what actually was a big deal at the time. You don’t need to tell what happened when you were five, and you were left home alone. You couldn’t change a TV channel, and you wanted to watch a TV program for kids (oh, it’s a funny story, you’ll see!). But you couldn’t switch the channel cause the TV didn’t have a remote control just a big knob that you couldn’t make it work even if you saw your parents doing that many times before. So you got scared because suddenly you found yourself being entirely alone, there was no one around, and you felt abandoned. You don’t need to explain that the fear to be left alone, to be abandoned is caused by early trauma. It has deep roots, and it lays in your unconscious that you have little control off. This episode is just an example of an anxiety issue caused by psychological trauma that all of us have many. Instead of looking into the wounds we say, no, that’s not serious, others go through much more; thus, my pain is nothing in comparison to what could be.
We hide it, we bury it, we don’t let ourselves move on by ignoring it, discarding it as something insignificant. We stop loving ourselves because we start seeing ourselves as winning, ungrateful, spoiled kids. We become ruthless, have no mercy nor sympathy for our own hurt. We become cruel to ourselves, to our experiences, brushing them off.
But we are the ones who can fully comprehend everything that happened and let ourselves go off that pain. Go back to that day you felt abandoned and say something comforting, give that little kid a hug. Return to a day when you were bullied and scared and disgusted with yourself, tell that suffering child that you are much more than that, say to that kid something that you know about yourself from many other examples that happened to you. Encourage that kid to believe in himself. Share with that kid of your memory with something inspiring. You are the only one who actually knows all the reasons behind, and you are the only one who can let you go of that pain by making this little trip back to the painful event.
Imagine if you are the best friend with someone who can help you get rid of those old heavy bags of burden? Isn’t that great? All that ever happened to you are already there in this possibly best friends of yours head or heart. This connection and love can only be the best remedy and the best lift-up to happier living. That would be such an adventure, the life event, the marking point.
And even if you fall in love again with somebody else your love for yourself is not of a jealous type. Not at all –but be careful about it! Because sometimes when you stop seeing your friend he might not be your friend anymore and that’s because you abandoned him. However, the best thing is that this kind of love is modest, entirely forgiving and is capable of taking you back unconditionally. It’s you who sometimes doesn’t want to return to that relationship because you know there are some opened wounds and you’d rather not look at it. Whenever this happens, remind yourself that it’s you who holds that healing power in your hands. Moreover, there is no one else who possess a better knowledge and skill to comprehend you and let you out of the cage of pain for your past. Show and prove to yourself how actually cool you are.
In case you doubt what you are capable of accomplishing, hey, once upon a time you were not good at walking, talking, holding a spoon either. Just practice made it perfect, and you have no doubts now if you can walk, read, cook your favourite dish. Give yourself a break. You are the one who decides and tells what’s possible and what’s not. Uncertainties and doubts come from fears caused by wounds so when you have that lack of faith, go back to your past and find that scared child that is you and give a hug, say “that’s not true. The only way to make sure that you can’t do something is by locking yourself up in a cage of fear.” If you do that, then it’s definitely not possible for you to learn how to swim, to do karate, to speak another language… There are so many don’ts and so few dos that you forget you are actually capable of anything. The cage of fear blocks you from excitement, from the joy of discovery, from being proud of achievements. Let yourself out of that cage and say nope, I actually don’t know if that’s possible for me or not so I better try and figure. That’s not a very tasty medicine at first, it makes your body shiver, your heartbeat increases so much that you might even get close to a panic attack, but that’s entirely normal. When a bird is out of a cage where it spent years and was told all that time that it cannot fly it wouldn’t. Well, perhaps it would it’s in their genetics, they have wings they just do it and its because birds are lucky, not like us, humans, they are fortunate not to have the mind cages. So let yourself out of that mind jail and enjoy what you can find out there. Remember you can fly. Enjoy!